I was recently asked by MyDeal.com.au for my advice on the ups and downs of being a step parent. It got me thinking about…

Every parent needs to work on their own self-esteem and confidence levels to cope with the vicissitudes of parenting. Step parents even more so, as it is a big ask to parent someone else’s children and it can become a major source of conflict in blended families.

If you are new to the role of parent of a blended family and are finding things frustrating, difficult or confusing, take heart – you are not alone. Even someone who has previously breezed through raising biological children can feel unsure, resentful and even regretful upon taking on this monumental new role.

There are new personalities to get used to, issues of discipline, your step children’s other biological parent to contend with and a myriad of other areas that can prove testing. It’s very common for new step parents to struggle, but rest assure, by remembering a few simple guidelines and giving it time, you and your partner can foster a stable and contented home.

Tips for parents in a blended family

  1. Biological parents, do not expect the step parent to love your children immediately. The most you can ask for in the beginning is kindness and civility.
  2. New step parents, do not expect to love your step child. It is common not to like your step child. Fake it till you make it. Do it because you love your partner. Do it because every child needs love and it is the right thing to do. Be kind and work on developing a relationship over time.
  3. Do not take on too much. Set boundaries. You are not Mary Poppins or the family’s saviour. Do what is reasonable and possible for you to cope with. Outsource to your partner, grandparents and extended family if necessary. Do this from the start so you are not setting a precedent of being the super parent who will make it all right.
  4. Manage your expectations – the younger the child, the sooner you will form a bond. It will take two years for a child who met you when they were two to accept you. It will take ten years for a ten-year old to do the same.
  5. Be an adult. Be fair. Do not see it as a competition for time with your partner. If he/she is doing her best and is pulled in too many directions, be understanding. Facilitate time for them to be together. Your solid self-esteem will enable this.
  6. Make sure there is alone time for the relationship, so it can flourish. Do not ‘children squeeze’ all the time.
  7. Live one day at a time. See the relationship as organic and needing time and watering to grow. Talk to your step child, be interested in their day and their feelings and their life.
  8. Never adopt the role of parent. You are not the biological parent. You can reassure the child, “I know I am not your parent and I will never try and replace your mother/father. I want to be a good friend.”
  9. Do not discipline your step child. Let the biological parent do it. However, if necessary, they can outsource authority to you – for example, “I am going out now and Mary is in charge. If she asks you to do something, I expect you to listen.”
  10. Have regular meetings with your partner to discuss the needs of all the children and the relationship. Plan your parenting and agree together how things should be done. Biological parents need to appreciate what the step parent is doing and respect their wishes.

If you find you are struggling in your new role as a step parent, our team of experienced practitioners at Anxiety Solutions CBT is here to help. We offer both individual and couple sessions, as well as group and family therapy. Contact us or call us 02 9328 5899 now to learn more and book today.